(Everyone stays onstage for the whole performance. There are three sections: The School, The Van, and The Tree.)
(Everyone starts out hanging out together downstage in The School. Except for Leslie and Rebecca.)
All: Everything’s normal, nobody’s hopeless
Let’s take it for granted the campus is open
Our freedom will be here, that is a given
Rebecca: I am Rebecca, to power I’m driven!
Ashley: Caily, where is Caily? Caily Caily Caily Caily Caily…
Caily: Caily, only Caily, Caily Caily Caily Caily Caily Caily….
All: Incredible awesome, stupendical bliss
Leslie (corner of stage, in her black cape): If something bad happened, it’d probably sound like THIS….
(Rebecca gets up and walks to the “stage” on the stage. Everyone watches her attentively.)
Rebecca: So everybody, put your hands together, and pull them apart, and put them back together again, making a skin-on-skin slapping noise, for… LESLIE HARDCORE!
(Capeless Leslie runs ‘onstage’.)
Leslie: Are you ready to say NO TO DRUGS? Cause if you don’t say no to drugs, you’re gonna say YES… to regret. And believe me I know a little something about regret. I regret the time that I got “HIGH” and wrote a hit song and it made me insane amounts of coin. …COIN I USED TO BY MORE DRUGS. And a motorboat. And a house for my mom. Plus I gave some to charity. See, I was into everything. Weed, reefer, Mary Jane, ganja, marijuana, I did it all… I even smoked pot once! I was such a waste case I would have probably, I don’t know, eaten raisins or something if somebody told me they got you high.
(She runs ‘offstage’ again and puts on her cape.)
Jenn: You can get high off raisins?
Lici: I’ve always enjoyed raisins, but I’ve never thought about getting high off them. Now I have… and I WANT TO DO IT!
Megan: But it sounds so dangerous!
Ashley: Perhaps that scary looking hooded person lurking in the shadows knows where we can get some?
Leslie: Yes… come to me… come to me… cough… pardon… come to me. Step into my office. Hold my calls! Sun nuggets! Solar babies! La uma loca! California’s finest! All for you to smokah!
(They sneak off to the side of the stage.)
Ashley: I like your funny words, magic man!
Leslie: I’m the PUSHER! How many scoops?
Ashley: Two please….
(Meanwhile, back at the ‘school’.)
Caily: I don’t understand why everyone is so interested in smoking raisins.
Jenn: Well, I can’t say for sure, but…
I’ve got a theory that it’s a demon- a dancing demon. No, something isn’t right there.
Caily: I’ve got a theory, some hippie’s dreamin’, and we’re all stuck inside his creepy sixties nightmare.
All: I’ve got a theory we should work this out. It’s getting crazy, what’s this eatin’ raisins all about?
Jenn: It could be witches, some evil witches!
Lici: Which is ridiculous, cause witches, they were persecuted, wicca good and love the earth and women power and I’LL be over HERE.
Rebecca: I’ve got a theory. It could be bunnies.
Megan. I’ve got a theory…
Rebecca: Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes! They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses! And what’s with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway! Bunnies! Bunnies, it must be bunnies! …Or maybe midgets.
Caily: I’ve got a theory we should work this fast. Because it clearly could get serious before it’s passed.
Rebecca: I’ve got a theory.
Caily: It doesn’t matter. What can’t we face if we’re together? What’s in this place that we can’t weather?
Leslie (from offstage): APOCALYPSE.
Caily: We’ve all been there. The same old trips, why should we care?
Caily and Meghan: What can’t we do when we get in it? We’ll work it through within a minute.
Meghan: We have to try. We’ll pay the price. It’s do-or-die….
Lici: Hey, I’ve died twice.
All: What can’t we face if we’re together? What’s in this place that we can’t weather… there’s nothing we can’t face….
Rebecca: Except for bunnies.
Megan: And that’s why EATING RAISINS ISN’T COOL.
All: Wow, that Megan is a convincing speaker!
(Ashley runs onstage with her raisins.)
Ashley: All cool people, report to Caily’s van to EAT RAISINS!
All: Wow, that Ashley is a convincing speaker!
(Everyone chases Ashley offstage, except for Rebecca, who grabs Lici and shows her a PTA flyer.)
Rebecca: Lici, my dear friend… were you aware that there was a secret organization consisting of both PARENTS and TEACHERS manipulating events BEHIND MY BACK?
Lici: Are you referring to the PTA?
Rebecca: So you DO know! Any organization bold enough to use this many exclamation marks must be INSANELY POWERFUL. And soon, in fact this Thursday in the cafetorium, I shall become their leader!
(They nod excitedly and go to the van with everyone else.)
Ashley: Whoa! Eating raisins is like LSD… on acid!
Caily: Come on, Jenn. Eat some dried fruit.
Jenn: No! The only thing me and Rebecca will be ingesting is a little drug called abstinence. And nothing will change our minds!
Rebecca: Wow, I’m accepted! (Eats a whole box.)
Lici: What’s it gonna be, Jenn?
Jenn: Give me that box of raisins! (She eats them.) Wow, I don’t really feel anything, but I have a strong constitution, so…. I CAN TASTE THE SUN!
(Everyone jumps up!)
Ashley: I hearby proclaim us to be a neo-hippie tribe! I am Captain Ashley and (she grabs Lici) this is my common law-wife, Lici! And now it’s time to express our togetherness through manic interpretive dancing!
(Prerecorded music plays. Everyone dances around a bit and then leaves for the ‘tree’ and ‘school’, except for Jenn, who has fainted. Meghan kicks her awake.)
Meghan: Jenn, what happened? Why didn’t you just tell them you were high on your mother’s love, like we rehearsed?
Jenn: I did, MEGHAN. But fortunately, I have real friends who kept pressuring me until I understood the FANTASICAL TRUTH about RAISINS!
Meghan: You’ve changed, Jenn.
Jenn: Well, maybe I haven’t changed. Maybe because everyone else has changed, proportionally you’re the one who’s changed, because it’s all relative!
(Jenn walks offstage leaving Megan alone in the van.)
Meghan: Oh, van. I wish you had some idea of how to solve the raisin problem!
(Leslie runs onstage.)
Leslie: I’ve got something that will make all your teenage problems go up in smoke! Check it out!
I’m the pusher, the pusher!
I push raisins on kids, and they think it’s cool
Cause they’re told not to do it by their parents and school
I’m the pusher! I’m the pusher!
I’m not concerned with banns and boycotts!
First they’ll smoke raisins, then they’ll shoot up apricots!
I know you can’t resist me, know you wanna smoke some fruit-
Check out my sweet-ass matching pantsuit!
I’m the badass low class pusher!
I’m the booty-lickin’, taco-stickin’ pusher!
Kids think drugs are cool, and that is why I rule!
I provoke simple folk till they smoke!
Take a joke- get your foot off my cloak!
Meghan: Oh sorry!
Leslie: I’m the sky high hammerdry pusher!
I’m the smoke screen summer dream pusher!
I’m the booty poking taco smoking pusher!
And in summary… I’m the PUSHER!
So how many scoops?
Meghan: How many do you got?
(Meanwhile, Rebecca and Lici are hanging out under a tree.)
Rebecca: I know that if I can just convince the PTA to let me lead them, I will be enormously powerful. But how? HOW will I do it?
Lici: You’ve got me.
Rebecca: I know! I’ll pretend to be in love with their king!
Lici: But Rebecca…
Rebecca: I’ll do it like this.
I lived my life in shadow, never the sun on my face….
It didn’t seem so sad though, I figured that was my place….
Now I’m bathed in light. Something just isn’t right.
I’m under your spell! How else could it be anyone would notice me?
It’s magic, I can tell! How you set me free! Brought me out so easily?
I saw a world enchanted, spirits and charms in the air.
I always took for granted I was the only one there.
But your power shone brighter than any I’ve known.
I’m under your spell. Nothing I can do, you just took my soul with you.
You worked your charm so well, suddenly I knew everything I dreamed was true.
The moon to the tide, I can feel you inside.
I’m under your spell, surging like the sea, drawn to you so helplessly
I break with every swell, lost in ecstasy, spread under my willow tree
You make me complete, you make me complete, you make me complete, you make me-
Lici: Rebecca, that’s very nice. But the PTA doesn’t have a king.
Rebecca: What? Why not?
Lici: I guess because there’s no palace. The school doesn’t have any town walls.
Rebecca: You mean if the school had a fence, someone could rule over it? And ruling is a position which is as of now unfulfilled?
Lici: Well, not exactly, but-
Rebecca: HA HA! Now I understand! Excuse me. I have a PTA meeting to attend!
(She runs to the school, where a “PTA meeting” sign is up. Jenn walks over to Lici.)
Jenn: What’s with her?
Lici: She wants to rule the PTA.
Jenn: Why would she want to do that? They don’t even understand the glory that is raisins!
Lici: No, but they did invent them….
Jenn: We have to stop her. If she locks us all into the school, how are we going to get raisins? All the vending machines sell is chocolate bars!
(Meanwhile, at the PTA meeting.)
“Caily’s mom” (Meghan in a sweater and glasses): We found raisins in Caily’s pockets, but she said they were Ashley’s!
“Ashley’s dad” (Ashley in a tie): Our Ashley would never do drugs! On an unrelated note, she’s been missing for three days.
(Rebecca runs onstage.)
Rebecca: People! Raisins are a gateway fruit! Now, I know I’m only a student, and not welcome in your little… PTA meeting. But still, I want to help. Frankly, I’m on the fence about this. What if there was some way your could fence them from the dangers and offences of this world. How about, oh I don’t know, a FENCE?! We shall USE this fence to keep them ALL LOCKED INTO THE SCHOOL! That way, I will be able to use the library whenever I want! And by holding your children hostage, I shall also be able to BLACKMAIL you all! And I shall exploit this organization’s power to build this fence as your NEW QUEEN! Queen Rebecca El-Regris THE LIONHEARTED!
“Caily’s mom”: Actually, we’re governed by a volunteer committee made up of-
Rebecca: I SAID QUEEN!
(Meanwhile, by the tree.)
Lici: It’s like the quote-unquote civilized world doesn’t understand us and our self-importance.
Jenn: Yeah. It’s like… playing video games. We should totally buy a Playstation three. Just to show them.
Lici: Did you bring the money?
(Ashley runs onstage.)
Ashley: Hop aboard Sergeant Ashley’s magical mystery tour!
Lici: Do you mind? Me and Jenn are kind of having a celestial moment here….
Ashley: So am I! The moon- it’s chasing me! Everywhere I go, there it is! Knock it off, moon! Or I’m coming up there!
(She attempts to jump to the moon, but ends up only jumping into the PTA meeting.)
Ashley: I’m okay… I’m okay… uh… stick!
(Everyone stares at everyone else, then the parents leave. Rebecca grabs a bunch of yogurt cartons to build a fence.)
Rebecca: I’m building a fence, a scholastic fence.
‘Rins will be past tense, and I’ll rule the parents.
Build it higher, build it higher, build it hiiiiigher…. HA HA!
(At Caily’s house.)
Caily: Grounded! For what? For growing up? For being free?
“Caily’s Mom”: We’re doing this for you girl, not doing it for me.
You’re not going to the hippie drum-circle peace fair…. Caily….
Caily: Caily’s my slave name, square!
“Caily’s Mom”: Arcee Lavender… Raisins are building a barrier, and they need to build a wall to break it down!
Caily: You don’t understand us, you and this stinking town!
I wish I could die.
Your barbequed chicken is very dry!
(Back with Lici and Jenn.)
Jenn: She’s not gonna take away our freedom!
We love raisins, that’s why we eat em!
The sun is raising us to a high plane!
After this line, there’s gonna be a refrain!
Ashley: Watch me, hold me, sign my cast for me, wheel me….
All: And it’s raisin us higher and higher….
Caily: Raisins are from heaven, now we’re raisin hell!
All: Higher and higher!
Rebecca: Build the big fence higher! I wish I had barbed wire.
All: Higher and higher!
Leslie: My power grows higher with each raisin buyer!
Rebecca: I’m queen of the wall!
Jenn: You’re going to fall!
Caily: When push comes to shove, we’ll conquer with love!
(All the raisin-lovers come onstage.)
All: Love, only love, love love love love love….
Love, only love, love love love love love love love love….
Lici: This isn’t working! Love is just an abstract concept, it can’t knock down stuff.
Rebecca: I’ll build it higher!
Jenn: I’m getting higher!
Rebecca: I’m getting higher!
Rebecca: HIGHER! (They glare.)
(Meghan runs onstage.)
Meghan: You must see the truth about the evil raisin! You’re all enslaved by the fruit that you’re grazing! If you free up the kids, it’ll be you that they’re praising! We could all cosplay, and I hear that’s amazing!
All: She’s right!
Meghan: Hurry up guys! Caily, are you all ok?
Caily: We are now, Meghan! Man, I look like an idiot in this rainbow cape!
Meghan: Yes, you do, Caily. But don’t worry. I’ve got a plan. Hey parents! I’ve got all these raisins for me and my student peers, and now we’re gonna eat them! (She throws ‘raisins’ at the ‘parents’.)
Ashley’s Dad: Wow, these raisin fumes are making me feel all groovy inside!
Jenn: Well, now that authority figures are doing it, it doesn’t seem so rebellious. Let’s all smoke crack instead!
Leslie: Nooooo! My power is diminishing! I’m the pusher! The PUSHER!
Caily: Let’s see who this pusher really is! Leslie Hardcore! But why!
Leslie: I opened for the California Raisins on their ’99 tour, but these days the only dancing fruits kids wanna see are the Backstreet Boys. The point is, the Raisin Council needed a new marketing campaign to attract teens.
Lici: Do you mean to say that eating raisins doesn’t really get you high?
Leslie: That’s right. Those psychedelic adventures were all in your heads. All in your heads.
Rebecca: All in our heads!
All (except Leslie. Who plays her guitar. Cause she’s the pusher.): Where do we go from here? Where do we go from here?
The battle's done, and we kind of won, so we sound our victory cheer.
Where do we go from here?
Why is the path unclear when we know home is near?
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear.
Where do we go from here?
When does the end appear? When do the trumpets cheer?
The curtains close on a kiss god knows, we can tell the end is near.
Where do we go from here?
And now we knows the drugs are bad, mm’kay.
On raisins we have turned our back.
It wasn’t real, but it seemed like a big deal….
Oh well, let’s have a snack!
All: Where do we go from here?